By: Kye Kocher
Fayetteville, Ark. (UATV)-According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 43% of dating college women report that they have experienced a violent and/or abusive dating behavior which has included physical, sexual, digital, or verbal abuse.
The University of Arkansas Counseling and Phycological Services department focuses on educating students across campus about the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
CAPS hosted a Valentine’s Day event focusing on self-love, consent, and how to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy relationships on February 14th in the Union.
One CAPS mental health clinician Patricia Morency said that many students always ask her to help them figure out a certain question.
Am I in a healthy relationship?
“Healthy love is when you can be yourself in a relationship. It is also when you can talk about your needs, your wants, and what you don’t like. It is when you can be honest with yourself and the other person in your relationship,” Morency said.
Healthy relationships look different, yet similar to everyone. Morency said one key sign of a healthy relationship is when you feel comfortable enough with your partner to share what you want to share, and not feel pressured to do things that you do not want to do. This comes from setting boundaries. One project as a part of the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, “love is respect” said the healthiest relationships are when both partners know each other’s wants, fears, goals, and limits.
According to loveisrespect.org, there are three different types of boundaries: emotional, physical, and digital.
Emotional boundaries are set by making sure both you and your partner feel safe and comfortable in your relationship. Some ways to do this are to ask your partner how they feel about verbal expressions like saying “I love you” to one another. Emotional boundaries are based around trust. According to “love is respect,” the main key to having emotional boundaries is being able to trust each other.
Physical boundaries are set by making sure that you are both comfortable with each other when it comes to sharing physical touch. This could be anything from hand holding to having a sexual relationship with your partner. “Love is respect” also says when setting physical boundaries, it is important to make sure that you both know how far you are willing to go, and being able to understand the other person if you are not on the same page.
According to “love is respect,”Digital boundaries are now an important part of relationships due to the rise of social media. You can set digital boundaries in relationships by asking your partner how they want the relationship to look on social media. In a healthy relationship, it is important to make sure both people are on the same page about posting one another.
Another form of healthy love is self-love. Self-love has become a popular topic amongst “Gen-Z.” According to the Brain and Behavior Research Foundation, showing self-love to yourself makes you more likely to also choose to be in healthy relationships.
If your partner does not respect any of your boundaries, then you may find that you are in an unhealthy relationship. In order to be able to tell if you are in an unhealthy relationship, Morency said that there are a few red flags to look for.
“Unhealthy love is when you’re seeing elements of control or manipulation where you feel like you’re being pressured into doing things that you don’t want to do,” Morency said.
She also said that other red flags can be not feeling like you can be your authentic self and noticing your partner getting more upset at you than usual. Other forms of unhealthy love include abuse. Abuse can come in different forms, and can be identified as physical, emotional, and sexual.
If you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship, there are plenty of resources that can help you on and off campus. If you are looking for on-campus counseling, you can seek help from CAPS, or the Sexual and Relationship Violence Center (SRVC.) If you are looking for another resource off-campus, you can visit the NWA Center for Sexual Assault.
What is self-love?
“Self-love is being able to take care of yourself, appreciate all parts of yourself, do something for yourself, and have self-esteem,” said CAPS clinician, Patricia Morency.
An article titled “The Relationship with Yourself” by Psychology Today said that 85% of people struggle with having low self-esteem.
Morency said that one way to help build up self-esteem is by showing self-love.
“Being able to take care of yourself and show compassion and gratitude to yourself is really beneficial. Think of yourself as a complete person and accept and love yourself for who you are,” said Morency.
Many people believe that Valentine’s Day is a day meant to only show love to others, but Morency said that the holiday should serve as a day for you to also show love to yourself. Many people choose to show self-love by performing an act of kindness for themselves or doing something that they have been wanting to do.
“So self-love especially on Valentine’s Day, is just doing whatever makes you feel good, feel loved, or feel pleasure in a variety of different ways,” Morency said.
Morency said she likes to perform self-love by listening to all of her favorite types of music, and by playing her favorite games. She also said another way that she shows love to herself is by setting boundaries. One specific boundary that she sets is to spend her lunch hour alone so that she can recharge for the rest of the day.
If you are struggling to find a way to show yourself love, Morency suggested using an online self-love worksheet. The worksheet suggests that you can make yourself your favorite meal, declutter your house, have a day with your friends, and more.